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[undiagnosed]

[a voice crackles in over the radio:] Hey, Blanche Barrow. Tom Jones. Put your idiot Tupperware away. You'll never get that shitty spaghetti sauce stain out of it. Probably tasted like gross water. Use a potato next time, Jesus!

[nice. really pleasant.]

So what's the verdict on people who disappear? Buried in the woods or dissolved in acid? My bet is the woods. Vats of acid are a pain in the ass to get, especially shipped up to some backwards ass town like this. Just a heads up, if you see some extra green grass or a gross dip in the ground then you probably don't wanna start digging.

[...]

If you see vats of acid, though, you can dunk your head into it. You get one freebie. Oh, and Harding? If you're listening in on this, your wife's cheating on you. Eat shit and die, thanks. Over and out.

Comments

[13thcommander]

Fortunately, we have nothing but time.

[Oh gods, that smells awful. What's Archer drinking, gasoline? Erwin pats his thigh, trying to coax the dog back over.]

The dog looks like a Reginald to me, if you're taking suggestions.

[undiagnosed]

Not really.

[aside from both being, you know, mortals, things seem to be ramping up - in archer's mind, at least. people disappearing (people he cares about, mostly) aj, somewhere, growing up where archer can't be around her because he's fucking here.]

To both of those. That's a shitty name.

[13thcommander]

I never claimed to be good at name distribution.

[Erwin glances up.]

I used to name my horses, but after losing a few of them, I started giving them numbers instead. Naming them only made it more painful when they fell in the line of duty.

[undiagnosed]

Have you tried... I don't know, not being so shitty at looking after your horses?

[he knows it's not that easy, but why would archer want to make this pleasant?]

[13thcommander]

It wasn't poor husbandry on my part.

[While Erwin stopped trying to bond with his horses a long time ago, he was never cruel or uncaring towards them. He just found it easier to view them as a tool, instead of a living being.]

A titan won't go after a horse on its own; they're only interested in attacking humans. But a titan will swipe at a human riding a horse, or trample horses trying to get to their prey.

[Some especially asshole titans will throw rocks at horses (and people!), but Zeke is the exception instead of the rule, so Erwin doesn't mention him.]

They got caught in the crossfire.

[undiagnosed]

Wait. Wait. Wait.

[he looks disturbed for a moment. there's so much in what erwin just said that raises so many questions! so many horrifying concepts!]

You were marrying them?!

[unfortunately... archer is archer. he knows that's not what husbandry means, but... you know.]

[13thcommander]

[For just a moment, Erwin looks surprised. Okay, that's definitely not the reaction he expected.]

[Then he bursts out laughing.]

I'd be a particularly horrible husband if that was the case!

[undiagnosed]

[archer doesn't laugh. his expression remains flat and disinterested.]

No shit. [there's so much disappointment in his tone.] I'd already worked out you were military.

[13thcommander]

[Archer, you humourless bastard. If you can't laugh at your own jokes, what jokes can you laugh at?]

It's not as though I try to hide it.

[It's not like he could if he wanted to. A man gets used to carrying himself a certain way, and then he can't turn it off.]

You, though... your work is still a mystery to me. Something military adjacent, I believe, but not fully within the restrictions of the command structure. Am I getting close?

[undiagnosed]

[it's a surprisingly good guess, but archer hasn't actually been as careful as he knows he could be. if he was doing his job right, erwin wouldn't even know where he lives. ah well.]

Nope. Way off base.

[why would he be honest?]

[13thcommander]

Which is exactly what someone operating outside organised structure would say.

[Erwin pauses to take a sip of water.]

You clearly haven't worked in a shop before, or, I'd guess, anything that has to deal with the public regularly.

[undiagnosed]

Have you considered that I just don't like you?

[he does deal with the public regularly, just not likely in the way erwin thinks.]

[13thcommander]

I know you don't like me. You've made that very clear.

[undiagnosed]

So... you can put together that you're not going to get very far, here?

[he thinks he hates erwin more than cyril. maybe.]

[13thcommander]

I keep hoping I'll eventually appeal to your sense of reason and self-preservation.

[Erwin sets his glass down and makes eye contact, the humour in his voice gone now. This is Serious Business Time(tm).]

The fact is, Archer, when you're not drunk or wallowing in self-pity, you're one of the most competent people in Santa Rosita, and I'd rather be working with you than against you. You're clearly not happy here, but I also don't see you doing much to change your situation. If you truly want to go home, or find out more about this place where we're both trapped, I'd be happy to work with you to make that happen.

You are, however, making that extremely difficult.

[undiagnosed]

Hmh. [extremely bold to assume he has either of those things, but telling him he's competent seems to cut off any further argument. hell, the only reason he doesn't do his usual greatest agent ever spiel is out of sheer spite of not wanting erwin to know what he does.

he wants to argue that he doesn't wallow in self-pity, but even he can't deny he's kind of been doing that recently. it's those three months all over again, only he actually goes out every now and then.] You don't know what I'm doing, asshole.

[he has been looking around, doing his spy thing. it's difficult without the equipment and now pam and ray are gone, he's lost motivation. now he's just looking for their bodies. archer wants that closure, at least.

sighing, he rubs his temple. god damn it.]

Fine, whatever. What've you got?

[13thcommander]

[Got him.]

Not as much as I'd like, unfortunately. My efforts have been hampered by certain events.

[Erwin gestures at the other seat at the table.]

Please, sit down.

[undiagnosed]

I'm sitting down because I want to. [his knees audibly crack when he does, and archer tries to hide a wince.] Not because you told me to.

[13thcommander]

Naturally.

[Erwin hears that knee crack, but he's polite enough to not say anything about it.]

The borders of the city seems fairly well established, both horizontally and vertically. Getting too close to them causes a person to pass out, and their car to stall. [Ask him how he knows this. Go on, ask!] When they wake up, the car is turned around and facing back towards town. It will start up without a problem, but trying to turn it around and drive away again will cause another fainting spell.

As far as I know, no one has been able to communicate with anyone outside Santa Rosita. To my understanding, telephones should be able to reach beyond the town's borders, but they simply don't.