chatsville | text; @crowley

[All that stuff is the worst, and Crowley is sorely tempted to say something along those lines, except he doesn't trust the network at all.]

I hope you've been taking showers, too, if you're new to this.

What exactly were you, if that's not too personal a question?

It's not personal at all. [ well. it kind of is. he likes to think he's over it at this point that it's easy to answer. ]

Alien-human hybrid. I got some functions of a typical human - like a humanish-looking body, only four limbs and two eyes and etc. Tame stuff like that.

[Crowley is like, yelling excitedly at Aziraphale from the living room about aliens existing, but is going to play it cool over text because that's the sort of demon he is.]

Well, suppose at least you weren't some octopus looking thing adjusting to being humanoid.

They didn't give you a guide book for it, did they?

[It could come across as a joke but like, seriously, if there is one he'd like to borrow it.]

[ oh man- he wishes he had an octopoid bod now, the tentacles could have come in real handy. several arms instead of just two!

but come on, daylight, focus on the conversation: ] Nope, unfortunately. A lot of trial-and-error with a whole new body now. I got some pointers on what to expect while growing up but I don't think they apply anymore.

Like get this: Humans can't exist on a diet of liquid and maybe mush. Doesn't do their bodies any favours or something. It's weird.

[Oh. Buddy.]

Yeah, no shit, mate. You've got to eat vegetables and fruit, too, or the whole thing starts falling apart.

[This is making him grateful that he's at least spent millennia around humans, often playing at being one. There are a few things he's had to learn, but overall, he knows the basics.]

You know, I'd bet there's books at the library for new mums. Sounds a bit weird to suggest it, but they might be useful to help you figure out how to keep a human body alive.

[ ... huh. that's a really good suggestion. ]

Like one of those Baby and You books? How to Raise Kids? I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a poke at them and see what they can tell me.

Admittedly: Not looking forward to having people question me what I'm doing with the books, though. Agatha is nice and all but. You know. The whole arrangement is weird.

Tell them it's none of their bloody business. Or that you're baby sitting for a friend and wanted to brush up on the basics.

Anyway, if they've put us in separate beds they're hardly expecting anyway to start popping out kids.

[ daylight can't help but let out a laugh when he sees the response. ]

Yeah. I should totally do that. The second option, I mean.

So things to do this weekend: Get books on how to raise kids. Figure out why the heck we're all stuck here. Figure out who is behind this because someone's gotta be pulling the strings. Definitely going to be keeping me busy.

That's an ambitious list, not sure anyone is going to figure out how we all got stuck here in a single weekend.

And don't forget you ought to do Christmas shopping somewhere in there ;)

[He thinks he's funny.]

[ well— daylight thinks he’s funny, given his next message. ]

Gotta find a job proper before I can really focus on Christmas shopping. :P I'm asking Santa for a 'Bible' for Agatha so I hope he can help me out on that front. [ alas, it's not what he'll be getting come december 25 but the effort counts? ]

Might want to work on finding work, food doesn't pay for itself.

You know you can buy bibles, right? They're not exactly rare. If she's that desperate for one, one of the local churches might give you one for free, I think that's a thing they do.

Really? I didn't know that. I just read the word Agatha wrote to Santa and copied it down when writing my own letter.

But thanks for the heads up! Will definitely check out a church and ask if I could take one for free. [ it doesn't(??) read like daylight is being sarcastic? maybe? ]

[Considering the whole alien thing, Crowley is willing to take him at face value here.

He's not sure how he should feel about enabling access to a Bible, but that's his own issue, and he's never — begrudged anyone their faith, regardless of his own feelings about Her.]

Fair warning that you'll likely get the sales pitch for Christianity at a church, might want to pretend you know what they're talking about to avoid the conversion attempts.

Oh whoa! Thanks for the warning there. I'd like to hear more about this Christianity and all, yeah, but I like following the Venerated Thirteen where I'm from.

Anything I should say or do to make them think I'm one of them? [ wouldn't hurt to get tips from someone who seems to know what they're talking about. better get an idea of what to do and what not to do before he heads to one of those local churches. ]

[It would be so easy to tell Daylight some nonsense about Christianity just for shits and giggles, but that sort of chaos is less fun when he wouldn't get to witness it, so he'll behave.]

First thing would not be mentioning your Venerated Thirteen, they're a bit particular about their god being the only one.

My fingers will fall off if I try to explain it all, but let's see:

Most folks here will be Protestant, so tell them you're Catholic or Orthodox and you might get away with not knowing their exact way of doing things. The bloke running the church is likely a minister or pastor, for Protestants, and I think you can call him Reverend? It's been a while, since I've been to church. Treat it a bit like a library, be quiet and respectful, especially if there's a service happening.

They'll just refer to their god as 'God', sometimes the Almighty or the Lord. Some two thousand years ago He sent His son to Earth, Jesus Christ, that'd be where the 'Christ' in Christianity comes from, and their Bible's mostly based on his life and teachings. They're big on the concept of the soul/spirit and eternal life. If you're good, you get to go to Heaven, if you're bad, it's to Hell to get tortured for eternity.

Suppose any easy trick would be to cross yourself as you enter. Touch your brow, your chest, then your left to right shoulder. It's a sort of prayer that Catholics do. If they've got a font of water at the entrance, dip your fingers into that before doing it, but not all churches here have Holy Water.

[ bless crowley for his current show of benevolence. daylight is taking this seriously and writing down the tips and advice on a separate notebook day has on him at all times.

besides reminding himself to look up certain terms mentioned here - catholic? orthodox? protestant? going to have to look these up before he starts throwing words around, he decides. - daylight thinks he follows most of what's written here. follows the teachings of a creator's creation and has a book that is a compilation of the creation's life and their lessons. follow it and you're good (their version of good) then you get to go to heaven. heaven sounds like a nice reward.

(though, as a side note: the... the bit about hell and being tortured for eternity throws him out of a loop, he won't lie, but everything else seems to line up.) ]

Oh wow. This is a lot of information but I think I've got everything written down here and I should have the gist of this by the time I swing by a chucrch and speak with their pastor. Thanks a lot!

Is there any way I can pay you back for your help? This is really useful to know and it's great not going into something, like, super blind.

[blessing crowley is a hate crime]

You can pay me back by not mentioning this to anyone, I've got a reputation to maintain.

Oh, and if you do read the Bible, remember that it's not actually God's word. All of it was written by humans and it's been translated a whole lot by people with their own interpretations and motivations. Take it with a grain of salt.

[A normal, non-religious person might have just said "the Bible isn't real" but that would exactly be true.]

[ if daylight could do a promising gesture to show he’ll do what he can to help the guy keep his cool image, he would. for now, using the nursery rhyme back home should work: ]

Stab my heart and sew my mouth, our secret shall not be spout! I totally can do that for you, promise.

[ though... hmmm, what was written in the last did catch his attention and he can’t help but ask: ] And I guess bringing that up won’t be considered in good faith, huh? Because the teachings and the traditions that were gleaned from the writings have been established for long as this Christianity is around where you are?

[Not the version of the idiom he was expecting, but it's kind of dope.]

Got it on one. If we were a bit more modern, you could find some Christians who are more open to those sorts of conversations, but they're likely on the conservative side, here. Nevermind that half the shit they talk about would make Jesus furious, they're more interested in upholding the status quo.

[Perhaps a bit too honest, there.]

[ a bit too honest for some, yeah, but daylight honestly likes it. he's definitely going to be taking a grain or handful of salt while talking to whoever he meets later. ]

Thanks for that. Last thing I want to do is make them suspicious of me while I'm just there hoping to get a free Bible to give to Agatha. If I can at least get her that and make the month less sucky, I think it'll be worth having to listen to some pretty iffy stuff for an hour or so.

Hope I can pay you back for this. I really mean this.

It's really not a big deal, don't worry about it.

Good luck getting your Bible. Ciao.

[Surprisingly, a sentence he has said before, but only to Aziraphale about his collection of misprints.

But he's happy to leave it there. If he runs into Daylight in person, he might have some questions and offer more information of his own, but that can be tabled for now.]

text; @crowley

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